Well, guys, I'm losing a little steam over here. Part of it is not enough sleep three nights in a row. Part of it is this: I'm starting to accept that I won't be perfect at the end of this thing.
I know: it's a journey. No one's ever perfect. These are the tools, blah, blah. And that's all fine. When I'm an adult, which is most of the time, they're enough.
But it's day 75, I've been working my ass off for months, and when this is over, I still won't want to be seen anywhere in a bathing suit. The results earlier folks got, combined with that weird self-image problem so many of us have, in which we look better to ourselves in the mirror than we do when we catch an unexpected glimpse or in photos, made me think that I could hit the end of this thing looking ordinary. Not ripped, not skinny, just ordinary.
Well, I'll achieve that, sort of, and will be ordinarily chubby. That's certainly better than flat-out fat, but it's not what I wanted. It was an unrealistic dream, seeing as I'm trying to counteract the effect of two and a half years of self-neglect (and some self-sabotage). But the dream is dying hard.
Effect: today I slept an extra hour and didn't manage the workout till evening, which will ripple into tomorrow when I'll need to evening workout again. Also I didn't cook anything last night (nasty but effective bowl of tuna and corn for dinner), which meant that lunch was a huge salad with more tuna and some dry toast. It was a real slog to get through.
The good news is that my husband stepped up. He pushed me to exercise tonight. For the second half of the workout, he talked while I sweated and counted. And then--this is true love--he got down on the floor and did planks with me. Even though I sucked as much as usual at them, I felt less defeated at the end. Afterward, he tag-teamed me in the kitchen so that now I have chicken and vegetables to go on the 10-grain bread I made last weekend for lunch tomorrow. I love him.
Back on the subject of planks, I just don't get them. My shoulders and back hurt like hell, but my abs don't seem to feel them at all. Luke stood up and checked my form and said that I was doing them right. Is there something else I should be concentrating on? I tell myself that there are only four sets of planks left in this thing and then I never have to do them again. But they're the only thing in the workout that I don't understand and that make me feel worse about myself, no matter what I do.
Hi KIm
ReplyDeleteI hear Ya, same here, i did not reach the level of peak i wanted to, but still now 2 weeks off the program, still trying to improve. the effect of PCP is huge, i will try to post some thoughts later
I hate plank , just like patric predicted
First of all, your husband is awesome. Just awesome.
ReplyDeleteAnd then -- yep, I understand what you're saying. I actually requested an ass-kicking from Patrick and my teammates in the last week, because I felt myself just kind of coasting to the end. I had a lot of the same reasons you do -- I was disappointed that I didn't look GREAT at the end, just better.
In the end I tried to focus on how much progress I had made, and I tried to look at the PCP as an amazing jump start to my fitness goals. It also helps to look at yourself cyclically rather than as a straight line -- you spent some time on one cycle, and now you've been counteracting that with a different cycle.
I never met Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, but I consider him my teacher anyway -- and one quote attributed to him is something like "You're never going to get it all together." Yep. None of us is ever going to be in perfect physical condition AND have perfect relationships AND do great creative work AND be compassionate and enlightened and etc etc etc. All the "bad" stuff is opportunity to practice.
Hang in there for five more days and finish strong! You'll feel great when you do!
Dude this is the first time Ive had a quick look at your blog, and the first thing I see is that you are loosing steam....?
ReplyDeleteDont stop!
Whether you think so or not, you have made pretty amazing progress since the start. Its VERY obvious from the pictures. If you see someone who you have not met in a while, they will be amazed.
People you run into on the beach when you do put on that two piece will never know (or truly understand) how much work you have put in, or how much more AMAZING you look!
Keep it up. Keep it up.
Seriously, go walk around the mall and laugh at all the obese people! Will make you feel better......now that you are slimmer and more healthy!
You may not feel it, but the results are VERY obvious. Nice work!
Planks suck. I hate planks. I goddamn hate them. Ok now that that's over with:
ReplyDeleteI never really thought about the other stuff until now. I was looking at everyone and was just proud of what we've all done. But now that you mention it I wish this has gotten you to where you wanted to be. I think if you continue after this with all the info we know it wont be too long before you'll be happy with the physical stuff.
But honestly. I hope that you'll be happy with yourself right now. You've accomplished a ton of life changing stuff over these 75 days. I mean it, I'm proud of how you've pressed on through vacation and social situations. If this thing is the beginning I don't think you'll have that much time to go. And in the end you have your husband, which is awesome. It sounds like he is extremely supportive and will be there when this is over.
And then there's some very blunt stu americana words:
Fuck ordinary. Fuck it. If someone is judging for your exterior then they can go fuck themselves. They're obviously not considering your insides. Your a good person that's hiking in the mountains of hong kong. That's a hell of a lot more than a lot of people are doing with their lives. Walk tall kim, walk tall.
We're not going to let you drop off the face of the earth when this is all over Kim! Finish strong so you can feel proud of your PCP!
ReplyDeleteAh, the slog - I know it well! Also the feeling of not getting to where you wanted to be. It's such a natural reaction to being close to the end. So, taking the long view of things, I'd say you're right where you're supposed to be right now, Kim!
ReplyDeleteCold comfort, I know. But let me ask you this - putting aside how your body appears to you right now, how do you feel? As you go about your daily activities, including the workouts, and hiking and other active stuff, do you have a sense of being stronger, more coordinated perhaps, more in tune with your body?
Also - BIG THINGS can happen in the last week or so. Muscles that you can feel but can't yet see might start to show. Just hang in there - take a bunch of deep breaths - and give it your all in these final 15 days. Seriously - you'll be glad you did and you WILL see changes as a result!
PS - Let me also say that you've already made HUGE and AMAZING changes, inside and out, in the past 75 days! Your dedication is enviable.
Miss Kim, you're doing awesome! keep on slogging through. Accepting the pcp for what it is, where it's put you on day -X, and how it's affected you internally is the reward for working your arse off. i know, sounds lame. you have permission to carry around a jug of haterade for me but it's all true. :P sarah is right bout the part of being more in tune with the body.
ReplyDeletebtw, ordinary is relative hon. i wish you could see yourself through our eyes. it's one of the tough parts of this thing. i think at some point or another, we've all felt we could've become more sculpted or loss more weight, etc. it was hard to accept that i didnt get the 6-pack but i also knew that i veered off diet a lot and at the end of it all, i came away with way better stuff than a 6-pack.
this plank video really helped me. it sounds lame but i didnt realize that i wasn't tightening up my glutes or lower abs when i got in position hence odd back pain and feeling of doing what looks like a simple exercise, incorrectly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kiA9j-dR0oM&feature=related
complete and totally random other note: being around teeny tiny Asian women is massively killer for the self-esteem. i was always the freak in the family cause i had muscles, played sports, and am generally the opposite of a LAG (little asian girl). i used to comfort myself by saying that in a plane crash, LAGs would get eaten first cause they're skinny- fat and their bodies are more tender. no one would want a chewy, muscle-y body.
sorry for my randomness. :P
Grace -- HA!
ReplyDeleteKim -- everyone's said it already, but might as well repeat: you look great!! what to me means even more is that you're committed to working on you and dealing with the self-destructive stuff. you're so beautiful and way admirable. congrats on taking the journey and thanks for continually being an inspiration. :) nat