Day Twenty-One: Negotiating Tricky Social Situations

I find that the hardest thing about going out to restaurants and bars with people isn't resisting the food, but resisting the social pressure. It doesn't matter how non-confrontational I am about not eating or drinking--if it's noticeable, it becomes a subject of conversation, and me abstaining has two implications. First, it implies that I'm not really a member of the group--not really sharing the activity, or accepting hospitality. And second, it can't help but seem holier-than-thou: see, I'm so controlled and you're eating stuff that's bad for you. I don't judge, because if I wasn't doing this I'd be indulging, too, but it still feels like a value judgment to the folks I'm with.

So on Thursday night, there was a goodbye party at a bar for a coworker who's moving away. I could only stay for 45 minutes anyway, and I thought it'd be pretty easy to drink water and circulate unnoticed. But it turned out that we were sitting around a table with appetizers and bread, in an almost empty restaurant. I talked to my neighbors about PCP, and they were as nice as everyone promised people would be, but it was still just awkward to not share food and drink. And I could see them hesitating with their food.


Tonight, I went stealth. Twelve of us headed to a restaurant I know well and enjoy that specializes in roasted suckling pig--the skin is cut up separately and is like pork rinds crossed with potato chips, only better. They also do really good ribs marinated in a sticky soursweet vinegar and all kinds of other delicious things.

My husband sat next to me, and with all the general noise and confusion of the table, and all of the food community style on a big rotating disk in the middle of the table, I was able to just put little bits of food on my plate and switch with him a few times, so folks saw me grabbing food and saw residue on my plate later. My other immediate neighbor knew what was going on, but no one else noticed a thing.

Here's the really weird part--I enjoyed the meal. I knew what everything tasted like, was able to watch people try it for the first time, had lively conversations with different groups, and didn't even miss the actual eating part. At the end, the waiters brought over half a watermelon and I took two slices, just to make sure my stomach didn't feel too unhappy.

It was fun to pull that off. A good half of the group were people I've barely exchanged two words with, and it was much more interesting talking about their experiences than the diet I think about all the time these days anyway. In a smaller group, I wouldn't try to hide it, but I'm pleased that I was really able to enjoy this as a social situation, free of internal and external pressure to conform.

There's a little bit of rationalization going on--I know I'm supposed to be all open. But three other people at the table knew details about PCP, and I'd mentioned it to a fourth, so I'm no longer keeping it totally on the downlow. I'll try to work especially on my internal triggers so as to feel completely comfortable in situations like this in the future. But I'm counting this one as a success: I felt good, my companions felt good, it's all made of win.